Unrequired present
My 30th birthday, it's getting closer.
We finally gathered to celebrate the same occasion for my cousin. I presented her my booklet with stickers I had spent so much time on. Initially she just thanked me and put the present in her bag. I felt disappointed she wouldn't have tried to learn the contents right there at the cafƩ. Thinking I was rushing things I waited. Closer to the end of the gathering I couldn't resist and asked if she would take a look at the booklet. When she started putting stickers with her archive photos and trying to decipher quests she looked delighted and happy. But deep inside I didn't react to her emotions. I saw her initial reluctance to put the present out of the bag, my question might have sounded like a request but sorry (not sorry).
Our parents on my left were chatting about good old times. My cousin, her husband, and their peer relatives on my right were chatting about the upcoming second day of celebration I had never heard prior to that moment. I was partially thankful Julia (i.e. cousin) didn't invite me to that hookah bar because such places aren't my cup of tea. But still. I was among people but mentally alone. I was staring at my double Americano and felt lonely, unrequired. There's no one to judge, as externalising my frustration is useless.
I intend to stop reading reddit by 30 and find better ways to spend leisure time. I'm too done searching posts on what matters to me and look for those that share my opinion. I reduce the site to a cosy echo-chamber. And by 30 I give up on intentional attempts to find friends irl. There was a post on r/friendship where someone said: 'Seeing people put themselves out like āthis is what I can offer, be my friend pleaseā is the most depressing item of my nights.' I was trying exactly that thing but still wasn't chosen.