Twist in my sobriety
I don't have enough enthusiasm to do anything long and consecutive. It's one month since I started a blog on this site but I feel I'm not as willing to write and share as I did. What did I seek? I don't know. I just wanted to have a chance to be noticed even technically. I don't need validation, new online people or similar. I sought the very idea of being seen.
I spent half a day playing again with my conlang until an idea entered my mind: this is useless. I'm not looking to elaborate it far enough to write long texts. If I want to play with languages natural ones are always at my service. The same short breath in any other activity haunts me for long time.
When my elder cousin was 30 she was very emotionally vulnerable and I mocked her in my mind because 'once sharp person became like a jelly'. I do feel her struggles now. I go through the same phase. I want to apologise to someone for something I can't even describe. My former confidence now makes me cringe. At 20 I believed I cracked the life and was a cool boy to face everything it had in its sleeve. Now I am a pedestrian whose car left the road, hit the tree and broke apart. I am alone in the woods without any hint where to go.
I miss the times when my main problems were downloading Swat Kats fanfiction to my e-reader, when there were people I liked who called me, when I did what I wanted with enough mental stamina to do it. Now I am lost. These words don't have desperate connotation but still taste sour.
I recalled the sad song from my childhood, its music made me shiver back even when I didn't know a word in English. 'You know you'll never be more than twist in my sobriety'.