No job outside of job
Every time I force myself to stick with this simple idea. There's no job outside my job. I try to keep up with this rule but each time I fail epically. I have an illusion that by taking something at home I'll manage to gain advance the next day and work at slower pace. It never happens, new tasks arrive. This waterfall doesn't get tinier. I need to grow up about this matter. This is not normal. I thank God I wasn't appointed to be the head by now. It would have been a disaster for my nervous system. My home is a place to live; my organisation is a place to work. Wow, what a discovery!
Ivan didn't write anything, he vanished and I have zero will to message him. Let all the people I ever tried to reach live and enjoy their lives. I'm done being a stray dog seeking validation. Something is deeply wrong with my worldview as I normalise workaholism and self-value outsourcing. Stop, enough. Let me begin the new chapter since Monday. I will try. I have to. This part of the post was self-censored. Yes, this is my personal page but venting is useless. Public self-pity doesn't gain anything.
I came to conclusion degoogling isn't my case as I am not ready to log off from my account on Android and install each .apk via Aurora or other unorthodox way. Okay, I pass the privacy case for now. But I still can reduce my screen time, that's for sure. I deleted from the sites I rarely used like Soundcloud and Tumblr. More of that, I cleaned thoughtfully my saved messages on Telegram, deleted any sensitive data from there and put what was important on an external HDD. Remembering how it crashed last year I made full copied both on my computer and an old laptop (hearing Windows 7 greeting sounds felt painfully nostalgic).
Do I really miss anything on the Internet? The more time goes on the less I believe it has any real value besides a finite tool to accomplish a certain task. I can use a map or banking app. Fine. But surfing on waves of compulsive clicking feel too draining by now. I have to fight my FOMO. If something truly breaking happens the connected world will let me know even against my will. I gave up on memes, and this part was rather easy to follow. To think it was so easy to enjoy time in 2006 with much less distractions!
I also keep trying to lose weight and come to the same number I had back when I graduated from university. It is easy to gain it up. And it's painfully hard to lose it. What I miss the most is bakery. Instead of calories I count carbohydrates. It works by the way. Surprisingly the aim to control weight soothes my nervousness about everyday life. I have a bleak phantom of goal or something.
There are about three months to my 30. I know much less about myself and what I want than at 20. In 2016 I had a false idea I solved the puzzle and was a full adult with stable faith and beliefs of who and what I am. Now I am a ship wandering in the sea, I have no compass but a star barely seen through the cloud. This guiding star is my abstract desire to have a simple and slow life. I don't want to rush the corporate ladder or how this is called in English.