Introduction post
Whenever I tried to settle in and start an online blog, I always ended falling into two extremities. I either tried to overload texts with whatever interesting nonsense I knew to make the reader like me. Or I tried to polish my raw thoughts with spell checkers, AI translators from my main language, and other machinery. As a result my posts were incoherent mental vomit or sterile pile of cold letters.
Today I deleted my Neocities site. I didn't stay there for long, maybe a week, I guess. It served its purpose nonetheless as I got that thrill of the wild west part of the Internet. I went further to find this tiny cosy island this site is. I promised myself to be authentic and avoid yassifying whatever I type, or think, or want to say. Let this post be a memorial to my commitment to be who I am. Maybe that's enough, huh?
So, my dear reader, whoever you are, let me introduce myself. I am a man in late twenties, almost 30. For some reason this number fills me with dread. In my surroundings this is considered to be a Rubicon. Once crossed, everything changes, they say. My twenties, as others' as well, were weird. To put it briefly I switched many ways of keeping both a private diary or a public blog. The first one felt lonely, the latter made me fake. As time went on and most people from my company left abroad I started chatting on global media, my English needed to be improved to keep in touch. That's funny to say Markiplier from YouTube became my main teacher. His pronunciation was clear for my Slavic ears. His videos were interesting to watch and stay engaged. Then I discovered Discord, X, Tumblr and more niche sites. I got accustomed chatting with people from other countries. This might be pure psychology, but I feel much freer when speaking in foreign languages. It's like all emotional burden stays in my mother tongue.
Anyway, in the last years I managed to get rid of rather unhealthy attempts to form a new social cycle like by sitting on furry visual novel servers or learning about tulpamancy and trying to choose a convenient character to build a tulpa on. But hooray, my common sense won and I dropped delusions. I am here, an adult man in the physical world. I engage with people and keep trying to build meaningful relationships. I read books instead of memes. I try to write poetry instead of watching reels. I choose to live my real life instead of wasting my time away in glitter of empty fantasies. There is another build of another novel. That character won't ever reach to me. Why bother investing in it? Why trying to fit into a server like a cog into a machine only to read endless drama of people whose names I don't know? Welcome, my new blog. I won't pretend to be cool here. Maybe I'll spend this evening to get around and discover other people's entries. I believe there might be interesting stories waiting for another reader. It feels good to be one by one with text. Unlike Tumblr I don't play with layout and styles. Unlike Neocities I don't hit against the wall of code.
I didn't make a fortune or find my dream job so far. I've got one, and thank you, good Lord, for that. To be employed in this economy is already a big achievement. I don't have a partner but I am okay with that because the most appealing kind of relationship for me is platonic male friendship without brodude culture. 'Balto' and Charlie from 'All dogs go to heaven' are the cornerstones of who I'd like to have next to me. I spent most of my crucial years among girls and women, this may have affected the way I perceive (and hell I do like it). But I don't feel that thrill heteros might feel towards the opposite sex. And this predicament put me in the grey area: I am too non-hetero for a hetero. Neither I am gay. Calling myself ace and going further into the spectrum is not my interest. I stayed at their forum for quite a bit, that wasn't my cup of tea. I just feel a weakly throbbing conflict but keep going.