Identity crisis
Another director of the directorate offered promotion to my former head of department. She's happy it's hard to describe. While drinking coffee with us she half joked half promised to take us with her to that other department as our current director is a poor manager and would rather flush a buck than give it to employees. I had written here I was her right hand. She said she'd appoint me her deputy. I would accept that.
Ivan doesn't message me. Alyona, another friend from Russia, keeps bothering me with combination of reels and passive aggressive whining. Any attempt to bright up her mood are feverishly dodged. 'Can't I just share my opinion or I'd better shut up?' You have the right to feel everything, but don't expect me nursing you without limits. Did you forget I'm a human as you are? I'm tired on my own. If we can't chat then have a nice day and enjoy me turning off your notifications.
Russia... We have many close ties with them. No politics here, I bring it up because of other thing. People abroad are often blind to assume any Russian speaking person must be Russian. Brilliant logic! Just like every English speaking person must be English (not even British), right? I was almost indifferent about my national language (Irish people can relate I guess) until current era when the language I found much more useful and convenient got a strong negative connotation. Here I am in between two extremities. I consume incredibly more content in my national language and master it to be totally fluent. In the same time I realise this is rather artificial intent. I grew up with many Russian content around me. Why English or French don't get that ostracised?.. And my national language, a small one, is both dropped by most citizens or often misused by inadequate nationalists. I feel lonely in my journey to represent a separate nation.
I would like to smoke and reflect on the absurdist play our life is. Another boring fact but I never tried to smoke for real. I want to be myself without trying to remodel or conform. Maybe my thoughts are mess but still, I don't want to delete what I have already typed.
Do I really need a blog? I come back to this question. Do I try to impress someone who might find this page eventually? Do I gain anything by writing in mediocre English? Do I fish anything here? I doubt my fragments are worth reading actually then why do I come back here? I know my story and don't need to recite it.
I can't delete Instagram for now. Last spark of hope Vlad would contact me didn't die. But he had a year to reach. Nothing will change as I stay on meta platform.