Forced hardheartedness
The temperature fell to -18°C. Trees branches are beautifully covered in ice and look like white chocolate glazed sticks. The clear sky gives the sun to bless the earth with unsincere light. It shines but never warms. I got accustomed to this severe season, but every time I push myself into a bus I envy those who work next to their residence. But this movement is a good exercise to keep trying to lose weight. I fight my enemy with varying success as I stopped at a certain number and can't go down. Reminiscing I had already lost 14 kg holds my faith my steady diet isn't in vain.
I keep working on the design of our project site made on Tilda. As far as I remember this is the only block web constructor allowing to publish a site for free. With enough fantasy almost everything is possible to be implemented in there. I often get stuck with the site logic, but I am glad I manage to learn something new, especially in web layout (even at its base level).
My boss left the job right before the lunch break as her teen daughter got sick badly. The director pushed some work at me. It was more than bearable as writing a memo to purchase bouquets for the ceremony of award etc. I mean nothing tiring like composing quarter reports or something. But I felt slight mix of anxiety and anger. Will this become a new norm? How do I push back? This very director refused twice to agree on my candidature for this post. I was told the boss slacked her job often under different pretexts, this is some kind of norm to her. And I may be a heartless bastard but I avoid doing her tasks whenever this is possible. We have a leading specialist who's totally chill about whether our department will collapse without management. Then why should I work hard only because I am the oldtimer here? Nope, thanks. After my previous boss left I realised the bliss of being a simple employee. Actually, I don't have to think for everyone! My goodness, I was so accustomed to be the boss' right hand I never thought much all of that was beyond my duties.
I become harsher, for better or worse. I am coldly polite and friendly with people, but my heart feels no sympathy towards others (I speak about workplace, not life!). Like none of them did in many times when my problem was solvable and they didn't help. I keep myself from burning down, or, from burning away with useless nervousness. That's what I call forced hardheartedness.
Speaking of friendliness I keep wondering how one simple: 'Don't worry, everything's solvable here' calms people down. When I see others approaching me almost trembling because they did something wrong I quickly assess the situation. If it doesn't have painful repercussions I say this phrase - and boom. People bloom in shock that I didn't act like a jerk. And then I help them. It isn't because I am supposedly kind. I just understand harming others with bad behaviour is meaningless harm. I gain nothing, and others suffer. Why would I? Even 'hardheartedness' has a heart in its centre.
Listening to old Silent hill osts. A horror game includes a wonderful collection of music to calm down. Or to hug oneself and staring outside the window with a sad smile of memories fading away.