Dusk after the Easter
My 30 is coming the next week. I feel empty and desensitised. I listen to old songs from my 2009-2012 era, when life started feeling angstily different. Oh boi(!), how wrongly I imagined my adulthood. I hoped I'd have overcome my indifference towards romantics, find a gf and start a family 'like all people'. This refrain keeps boggling my mind. Who are those 'all people'? And though the world is burning brightly, though the societal expectations aren't such a garrote like in earlier times, I feel being left behind, a loser.
Those last days of my twenties are being spent embracing my inner world long time covered in dust. I revive my old dreams, hopes, and thoughts to reinvent myself because in the current year I exist on autopilot. I was proud to have what I dared to call my own 'culture' with a calendar founded on pivotal dates and events, my constructed language to write diaries and dreams on 96 pages notebooks. I collected sad songs to dream about having someone close to me. As I said before I never imagined a girl, to my confusion.
I rewatched 'All dogs go to heaven' to cry a little, a grown up man. Charlie and Balto from the same named film still are my ideal types of who I wanted to be with. It was always a very strong platonic friendship I sought. Eventually I adopted pop songs to dreams about that abstract HIM. I didn't seek male love. Neither I sought a girl/woman. I float in between. The old tales keep being alive: women are understanding and deep in personality. As for men, my longing rots into misandry. Am I really that eugh to people to be friends with me? So many people to chat with - and nobody like I what I dreamt about. Okay, this might be egoistic to write but the hell I care about it. I didn't sign up to play a saint.
I think about my parents getting older. Well, my rationality tells me it's better than the second option. They're alive, thanks to God. They are pretty much fine with how days go. That kitten they adopted brings new sparks of joy as well. As for me, I wander saying goodbye to my old expectations. Nothing works the way we imagine or plan it. For now I'm reading about gnosticism.