Bunch of worries about age
A new wave of preudophilosophical thoughts on life crushes me again. The clock is ticking, 30 years are coming. Were my choices right? Where did I commit mistakes? Was I 'successful' enough? I was asked today whether I have people to talk besides work and relatives. Surprisingly, I've got two of them, both are thousands of kilometers away. My answer is precise and solid: I wouldn't have changed anything, neither I'd have gone back to any previous age or chapter.
In moments of vulnerability, when no one sees me, I sit in the armchair hugging my knees like a troubled teen. Everyhing looks(!) normal, but I have some emptiness inside. It's like I'm leaving the warm and cosy house of 20s and prepare to step out into the darkening garden behind it. The grey sky is pouring rain and mystical winds howl making me asking endlessly what is waiting for me there.
I also realise with bitter realisation how mortal we actually are. We plan so many things expecting to live for 75-80 years by default. And in reality we never know which 'good morning' will be our last. This fatalism is freeing because it reminds not so many factors are under our control. I don't like the narrative 'live at your fullest!!11one1' but give some slack instead. I wander around trying to balance between chores and savouring the journey. That's all I can do.
Sometimes I worry my parents are getting older. And all the times after those sometimeses(!) I thank God they have the privilege to stay alive. So have I. Nowadays living within one's means, in one's house is already a great play. I can't imagine having a child right now. I don't have anyone to start them with either. I am indifferent about continuing my bloodline and so on. Under good circumstances I'd be glad to share my experience if it matters but children aren't on the top of my list that's for sure.
I was coming back past McDonald's and smiled sadly. I have a stupid wish I forget about most of the times. I want to have a good male friend (partially to compensate what I missed in those 30 years) and before starting a long night drive to go through McDrive. Naïve and stupid I guess. But still. I'd want to be at the passenger seat.